The 2014 midterms (dubbed "NICE TRY, AMERICA!") have come and gone, and as the mass media conglomerate we are, Wonkotron has moved on from analyzing the causes & effects of the midterms and instead hastily focused our attention on the 2016 presidential election! It's not for two years but we're reporting on it NOW! Why? BECAUSE WE NEED CLICKS!
"But who should I vote for, literally one hundred weeks from today?" you may ask. Fear not, for your friends at Wonkotron have compiled this handy guide to all the possible major players in the 2016 presidential election. Whether you are a Democrat, Republican, or a FUCKING PUSSY INDEPENDENT PICK A SIDE FUCKFACE, you'll be able to reference this guide for the next two years as we head into the 2016 presidential election season, hereby officially known as ELECTION 2016: America (Probably) Elects Another White Guy.
This guide shall be posted in multiple installments, beginning first with...
THE REPUBLICANS
The Republicans have a wide open field for 2016, and the list of potential candidates is rather lengthy. One of the big obstacles for the GOP in 2016 will be securing the minority vote. Without minority support, it's safe to say that any candidate would have trouble winning the general election. You don't have to be a top political scientist to know this, given the projected growth in minority populations in the United States (which can be easily Googled).
If you want to get an idea of what the field of GOP candidates looks like in two years, here's an interactive chart to help you:
That's right! The Republicans have assembled a color swatch list of candidates that could best be described as varying shades of primer paint. PLEASE PART FOR THE PASTY PARADE!
RAND PAUL
Rand Paul is the sequel nobody wanted to Ron Paul, who only a few confused college kids wanted. (You know how college kids like to experiment with new things, like anal sex or staunch conservatism.) Rand Paul opposes drones, and once famously filibustered a Senate vote for over twelve hours--or one viewing of the extended Lord of the Rings trilogy, plus the bonus footage featuring Peter Jackson jerking himself off for 77 minutes--which put liberals frustrated with Obama's expansive drone ops program in the very unenviable position of having to agree with Rand Paul. Much like when an inmate in MSNBC's Lockup makes a valid point about the prison-industrial complex, and then you nod your head in agreement before finding out he's in prison for killing and eating eight women AND YOU FEEL DIRTY ON THE INSIDE. There are a lot of other things about Rand Paul that are abhorrent, but those can be further examined should he end up the GOP's 2016 nominee. Until then, everything just makes more sense if you just add a 'y' and call him Randy Paul.
TED CRUZ
Ted Cruz always looks like he just realized he was going the wrong way three hours into a five-hour drive. He shares one essential trait with the previous president, George W. Bush, in that they both like to pretend to be from Texas. Cruz recently came under fire for comparing net neutrality to "Obamacare for the internet," proving that it's even possible to fall from grace when you're on ground level. Oh, and there's that whole "born in Canada" thing, but we'll just leave that alone because [fart sounds].
A JAR OF MAYONNAISE
When I said the 2016 GOP field was wide open, I wasn't fucking kidding. First, this jar of mayonnaise is white, so that takes care of prerequisite number one. Second, it has a wider appeal than all of the other candidates who might be running. If I were a Republican strategist, I might want to consider running a jar of mayonnaise on a national ticket. Sure, you'll have your detractors who say things like, "mayonnaise is a step away from fascism!" or, "how can a fire started by a jet fuel explosion melt steel INFOWARS INFOWARS INFOWARS!!!" which is ridiculous because if any condiment flirts with communism, it's ketchup (it's RED and the founder of its most prominent brand was German HELLOOOOOOOOO). Quite frankly, I think if I were a Republican strategist, I would seriously consider running a jar of mayonnaise ticket with perhaps a Chris Christie VP slot. This is not a fat joke, you fucking assholes.
MARCO RUBIO
Marco Rubio, now he--he… h-heh… ha-ha, haaa… hahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!! [puts head down and pounds fist on desk, this goes on for several minutes, it's unclear what I was going to write about him in the first place]
*** TO BE CONTINUED ***
